


Day 9: Flowers

by Sarahs_sinnlose_schreiberei



Series: Carry on Countdown 2017 [9]
Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Childhood Memories, Memories, Self-Hatred, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 20:38:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13621251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarahs_sinnlose_schreiberei/pseuds/Sarahs_sinnlose_schreiberei
Summary: Baz can't visit his mother's grave anymore but he can still remember her.





	Day 9: Flowers

Baz

It's not possible to bring her flowers every day now. And I feel guilty about it.   
As a Watford student it was easy, or for me even essential, to sneak down to the catacombs and visit her grave.   
Technically I didn't have to slip out in secret to visit my mother's’ grave. Or maybe not during the day.   
Seeing the tombstone and the skulls always made - still makes - me feel vulnerable. A gruesome feeling seeping into my bones leaving me unarmed against myself and my terrible thoughts. Like a black mass hovering above me until it gets too heavy. So heavy it crashes down on me, caging me, immobilising me.   
She'd despise me.   
This strong woman who always new what's right. This strong woman defending a whole nursery by herself. This strong woman sacrificing herself without a second thought.  
Turning was never an option for her.  
She burned the whole scene down.   
An untamable force, like a wildfire.   
Ashes and dust.   
That's what she became.   
Ashes and dust.   
That's what I should have become.   
But I wasn't strong enough. I am a vampire. And a bloody coward.   
I've been on the edge so many times. Ready to jump. Ready to burn.   
But I never did. And I feel bad about it. I know she wouldn't approve.  
She wouldn't approve of me being too weak to do the right thing.   
Nonetheless I like to imagine she'd still love me.   
My mother has always been a gentle person. Strict but gentle. Encouraging me to learn and grow.   
Always by my side with good advice, a motherly teacher.   
Always by my side as a joyful playmate, a friend.   
Always by my side as a safe person to lean on.   
Always by my side as my mother. 

She was a fire magician, like me. It runs in the family. But she was exceptional. She could do everything she imagined.   
It was her who taught me to love the flames. How to be their friend. To get them to do as you wish. And how to destroy.   
And I still love the flames. Even as a vampire. They make me feel alive.   
And I still miss her. That's why I bring her flowers.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :)


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